An alternative opinion...

Over at Topless Robot they're far less moany than me. Instead of worrying about The Wii's good game gulfs, they've come up with 10 Tips on how to fill the gaps.

The Conduit delayed: bad news for The Wii?

Poor old Wii. I still maintain that playing a good game on the Wii is just about the most enjoyable gaming experience you can have, but it’s not an easy thing to do. Given the scarcity of good titles and glut of shovelware, the average Wii sits unattended for lengthy spells waiting for the next arrival of a rarer-than-Hero-dolls Triple A title.

Which is why it probably didn’t need the announcement that the long awaited Wii FPS The Conduit has been delayed due to ‘localisation issues’. It’s only a short delay, moving the game from June 26th back to July 10th, and it goes a little way towards excusing the usually ominous rarity of review samples, but still, it’s a blow to the Wii.

Following an E3 at which Micrsoft and Sony both announced exciting new technology and games, the Wii at present can muster in it’s defence the prospect of four new Mario games, a faint rumour of a new Zelda title and a £15 add-on gadget that simply makes the Wiimote as responsive as most people hoped it would be back when they shelled out £170 for the console in the first place.

Really, with the future looking so unoriginal, the Wii needed The Conduit ASAP to keep people interested.

Ok, so if there are no further delays, it’s a matter of three weeks. But it’s three weeks that will see the release of Fight Night Round 4, Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood, Ghostbusters and Overlord II on other platforms. Ok, its not like the other consoles are getting new Halo or Metal Gear Solid games, but it’s still a list of highly anticipated titles, and to compete the Wii needed to offer more than just re-issues of old Donkey Kong and Resident Evil games (really, I love Resident Evil games, but I’ve got them all on Wii compatible Gamecube discs, am I really going to pay for them again just for added Wii-waggling?).

To be fair, its only a three week delay, but it’s three weeks at the end of dry spell that goes back several months. I’m sure The Conduit will be great when it finally gets here, but it’s a pattern that repeats itself far too often, and when a Wii lies unused during the huge gulfs between good games, it’s hard not to wonder if gamers eyes will start to wander.

Because the internet is a bit obsessive...

I’ve got Fight Night Round 4, Indiana Jones and The Staff of Kings and Overlord II reviews on the way, but they’re all in need of a little more play and polish. In the meantime, I’m curious to know what people think of the standard reviewer’s chestnut ‘Worth a rental’?

I’ve heard a lot of people complain about that as being a cop out from hacks who don’t have to pay for their games and can’t understand the need to help purchasers make a decision about what to do with their money, and also that it displays a lack of gumption, an unwillingness to actually say whether a game is worth having or not.

I don’t get it.

The fact is, for every game I get free from a PR company, I buy two or three more. Getting the occasional review sample doesn’t mean that I buy fewer games than most people, it means I play slightly more.

The fact is, I do rent games and I do look for bargains. I have a three disc LoveFilm account that I queue stacks of games in, and while there are some that I play for an hour and send straight back, and others that I enjoy so much that I buy them, the bulk of my rentals are exactly that, rentals. I rent them, I play them, I send them back and think no more about them and as long as I turn them around in period that covers only one LoveFilm payment then they’ve cost me about £7 to play. So I suppose if you wanted to be really picky you could say that when I claim that something is worth a rental I mean that its worth £7 and up to a month of your time, but not worth £39 retail. That’s not bad is it?

Found him!

And it only took an hour or so of backtracking. Doesn't change the main point though. The accidental loss of a dog offered far more guilt than the average morality choice does.

Lost dog, please help!

You know Yahtzee? That Brooker-esque games reviewer we all claim to watch purely for entertainment and never for buying advice? Well he’s recently repeated his not wholly incorrect assertion that morality choices in gaming are meaningless because they involve such extremes: ‘save Western Civilsation or eat a toddler’, and it got me thinking about a very recent gaming experience.

You see, I’ve lost my dog. I first found him in scrapyard in the Capital Wastelands, and my initial thoughts were grim, Another irritating noisemaker to hoover up medicine and supplies, just like Sheva in Resi 5 or Rufferto (my dog in Fable II). I know, I’ve just compared an AI woman to a dog, but her effect on inventory management is the same.

My mood didn’t initially improve, as my newfound companion did his best to prove me right, soaking up enemy bullets like a meatsponge and consuming precious medicine, whilst throwing himself headlong into battle with everything from Supermutants to Mirelurks, forcing me to abandoned my careful ranged approach and dive in to rescue him.

Bit by bit, however, I began to warm to him. It might have been when he dived into a room full of Radroaches and killed them for me, saving me the trouble of switching from combat shotgun to lead pipe and providing me with some irradiated bug meat in the process, or it might have been when I turned around in the wasteland and found that he’d saved me from an attack by one of his canine contemporaries. Whenever it happened, I grew to enjoy Dogmeat’s company, and consequently was keen to keep him out trouble, ordering him to stay on the outskirts of battle. Which is how I found myself shooting solo through a pack of raiders, who led to another pack of raiders, and a house, and a settlement, and a sidequest, and job, and a cave system, and another settlement, with another side mission…wait, where did I leave my dog?

What’s this got to do with morality choices? (Remember I was talking about them up there? You googled for Yahtzee and got my first paragraph instead?) Only that you can’t expect game designers to do everything, or to know what will push your buttons. I’m feeling so guilty about Dogmeat that much as I want to resist the urge and keep playing through Fallout, I know I’m instead going to spend hours scouring the wasteland looking for him.

In Fable II, despite being a paragon of virtue, I was perfectly happy to off innocent Spire guards for the boss or allow young maidens to be aged by shadowy gods, because I had an important job to do. I had no qualms about harvesting Little Sisters in Bioshock’s Rapture - no matter what Libertarians might tell you, their philosophy of unbridled self-interest regardless of the consequences is inherently corrosive, so the Sisters were hardly going to end up having an idyllic lifestyle if I left them alone. No matter what morality choices are engineered for me in the game, I still tend to put the game first and suffer no real guilt because of it. But lose one imaginary irradiated mongrel, and boy, do I get pangs. Such pangs that I have to abandon my planned defence of oft-criticised reviewers' snowclones in order to tell you about my lost dog. Moop.

What's in a game?

So, having outlined what I think a game has to do to get a particular score, I suppose I should list a few notable games and what score I’d give (or have given) them so you can get a feel for what Robo-thumbs review scores mean.

One Star Games:
Ok, howsabout Iron Man? Not quite broken, but it’s hard to think of a more utterly pointless gaming experience, with the possible exception of that worthless DS game that asked for £20 to allow you to send trivia questions to another DS…which you could do with the stylus and send button for free.

Two Star Games:
Did you ever play Baroque? A great story concept and incredibly evocative character design, ruined by one simple conceit - dying and replaying was part of the game, and vital to unfolding the story. Add to that an annoying rogue-like tendency to re-create each level randomly so you couldn’t even speed through your repetition, coupled with an incessant grinding guitar soundtrack and a berk who kept yelling ‘Goddamn’ every third word…gah.

Three Star Games:
Now here it gets interesting, and potentially controversial. The rest of the internet seems to be giving Red Faction Guerrilla the four or five star treatment, but to me, it's simply a three star game. Great fun, no major flaws, but it just doesn’t quite grab me enough. Also in the three star category would be something like, say, Call of Duty 3. So, can you guess where call of Duty 4 and 5 would place?

Four Star Games:
That’s right, Call of Duty: World at War is a four star game; it’s just that little bit too absorbing to be played casually. Arguably, it’s even more visceral than CoD4, if not quite as polished or dramatic. Also in the four star camp I’d put something like Gun - I know a lot of people hated it, but for me, I just had to keep playing more and more. Metal Gear Solid, Resident Evil 4, and Fable II all belong here as well.

Five Star Games:
The biggies, these are the games that make you call in sick to work and stay up all night, the games that simply don’t let you consider the possibility of playing anything else. In here you’ll find the likes of Civilisation III, Fallout 3, Resident Evil 2, Call of Duty 4, Bioshock, Syndicate Wars and Championship Manager.

So, that’s an idea of where I’d place certain games. Now I suppose I’d better go and do some reviews. What’s next? Prototype? Fight Night? No…Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings. Alas.

Hands on with Prototype...

I’ve been having a great deal of fun with my review copy of Prototype (or should that be [Prototype]?) I reckon it’s time to sum it up in one neat, evocative sentence. How’s this: It’s like grafting the free-running skills of Assassins Creed’s Altair onto the shape-shifting powers of Resident Evil’s Tyrant and letting the resulting monster free roam around a plague-struck New York smashing up tanks.

Ok, that’s quite a lot to say in one breath, but that pretty much sums up the experience so far. It’s incredibly fast and furious, with huge crowds of civilians, soldiers and infected people, ludicrously exhilarating runs and leaps up and off the sides of enormous buildings and shape-shifting skills that range from growing a huge blade in your arm, worming your stretchy limbs along under the pavement before bursting forth to impale your enemies, or simply turning your fists into rocky lumps that you can use to smash up tanks.

Phew! And all that is before we even get to the whole consume-and-impersonate aspect of gameplay, or the expanding list of powers that eventually necessitates a petal menu.

From what I’ve played so far, Prototype seems to be determined to rush my speedy free-running hoody-wearing self headlong from one action-packed tear-up to the next, and has already had me smash up tanks, throw taxis at helicopters and steal rocket launchers from squaddies. My only misgiving is that sometimes, when a game tries to set such a full-on pace from the start, to deliver a huge complement of skills and kills from the opening moments, it’s too easy to become jaded very quickly. Be honest, how quickly did you get bored with MadWorld?

Still, it hasn’t happened yet, and hopefully it never will, though I’ll be sure to let you know if it does. In the meantime, it’s also worth noting that Prototype’s graphics, despite what you may have heard elsewhere, look rather good to me: there’s a fair amount of detail, some good smoke effects, a huge depth of field and lovely lighting and reflection effects. My only concern as I explore the huge city is that there won’t be enough variety to build on what we’ve already seen.

Star Ocean: The Last Hope review

Speaking of Star Ocean The Last Hope, I'll be reviewing it here shortly, but in the meantime, you can check out this video Star Ocean The Last Hope review.

What does it all mean?

Ok, with reviews of Star Ocean, Prototype and Fight Night imminent, I figure that I’d better lay out what my scores mean. Shortly after, I’ll give you an idea of what score I’d give to certain games, so you can have an idea of how I mark.

1/5: Pretty much has to be a broken game or at least so poor that you wish it was. In the vague hope that it will provide half an hour or an hour of diversion before you realise that, and because the case might come in handy, it gets one star.

2/5: Not actually broken, but no fun either. Dull, repetitive, hamstrung by difficulty issues or just lacking in any real enjoyment or point.

3/5: A perfectly acceptable game, nothing notably wrong with it, but nothing to stand it out above the crowd either. Sometimes, niche games will make it in here as well, by dint of being ideal for their target audience, but having a target audience so small that giving it a higher score would risk misleading the majority of uninterested gamers.

4/5: An excellent game, one that eliminates all other spare time possibilities. If your usual leisure time options are a trip to the pub, or picking up a good book, or watching a film, then forget it. In my opinion, a four star game will be enough fun that all your spare time will be spent on it.

5/5: Perfection is unattainable and I’m not going to pretend otherwise, but a five star game can at least be counted on to provide you with an all-consuming game experience. Forget taking over your existing free time, a five star game is one that forces you to create extra free time - cancel all your plans, forget about sleeping, phone in sick for work. If it earns five stars it will be as addictive as crack, or even really good Stilton.

What's in a name?

There are certain times when a game really tests you, either because you've been slumped in front of the screen for six solid hours and your mental and physical dexterity has deteriorated to the level of a two-year-old, or just because a boss has been designed to force you through such an infuriating number of interlinked steps to bring about its downfall (I'm looking at you, MP3:C's Mogenar War Golem) that you find yourself wondering how it's possible to continue without being fitted with robo thumbs.

Of course, the absence of hyphen means that I now look at the title of my own blog and think 'Robot hum? BS?'

Oh well, never mind.

What's the plan?

Ok, so the great thing about this being my blog is that I can say what I want. If my first thought about UFC Undisputed is that it contains a disturbing amount of sweaty redneck manwrestling, then I don’t have to convert that into a comment on the ‘complexities of the ground game’.

I can also offer partial opinions and reviews in progress. Frankly, there are entire forums full of professional game reviewers making trumped-up claims to how much of a game they play before writing the review - the baseline is always ‘the whole story mode’, after which the assembled hacks attempt to trump each other by adding ‘several hours of multiplayer’, ‘several hours on all the maps’ or ‘playing the story mode on a higher difficulty, completing all the mini-games and collecting all the special items’. Frankly, I’m waiting for one of those berks to claim that a review isn’t done until they’ve got a full DNA sequence of the lead programmer.

Aside from the fact that I think they’re all lying, there’s a hell of a difference between what I have to do for work and what I have to do for fun, and this blog is for my own amusement. There’s not a chance in hell that I’m going to write a review based on all three discs and 40 hours of play in Star Ocean: The Last Hope when I’ve got Prototype and Fight Night Round 4 sitting next to the Xbox and Conduit on its way for the Wii.

On top of that, it’s my blog, not a news blog, so I don’t have to be timely. When Resident Evil 5 came out, I went on a retro binge and played through Resi 1, 2, 3, 4 and 0 for nostalgia value. I intended to then jump into Resi 5 at the end of it, but strangely enough I was all zombied out, so it just sits in my pile. In any case, I can write about my enjoyment of those decade old games rather than having to worry about whether Killzone 2 being the best looking game I’ve ever seen makes up for the fact that I was a little bit bored by it.

So… you can expect unvarnished opinions that may wander off topic, but will hopefully be useful simply by dint of their honesty. You can expect reviews that might not take into account the annoying fetch quest which happens eight hours in because, hey, I got bored and something better came along, alright? And you can expect opinions, digressions and meanderings based on whatever games I happen to have loved or hated in the past that just happen to have bubbled back up to the forefront of my thoughts right now.

Essentially, this will be a blog on which a professional game reviewer behaves like an ordinary fan, and has a great deal more fun because of it.

While I work out what to do with this site, why not check out my Red Faction Guerilla review? Really, you might as well do something while you wait, because I've not had enough coffee yet to get any fresh content on here straight away.





Ooh, tough pose.

The First Post

What fresh hell is this? I'd better get my thinking cap on, sharpish...